I Blames Myself

For everything happened on me, it's all my fault.
I blame it all to myself.
If I'm a good leader, things like that wont happen.
The whole event will end with a happy ending.
I'm such a failure as a Program Master.
No ones know how sad and heartbroken I am during the Actual Night.
Everyone doesn't know I cried the moment I can't take it anymore.
The moment I feel that I'm not needed by them anymore,
They doesn't look at me at all.
They doesn't tell me that I'm no longer needed to control the night.
They did it like,
"You are not trusted anymore. I don't need you for tonight. I don't have time to tell you."
I burst out my tears in front of my adviser and few friends.
They do feel bad for me, but they can't do anything.
At that moment, I have no one to voice out my feelings.
It is the most lonely moment I ever feel.
I don't blame them when the event is much more important that me.

During the post mortem,
They admit their fault for causing some big mistakes.
I don't blame them for the walkie-talkie issue.
I just doesn't like the way they show that I can't control the night and they have to take over me.
I don't like when they doesn't tell me that they have to take over me.
All I want is a proper apologize, and close the whole issue.
But at the end, they blame it back to me.
They blame me for being weak.
I don't wish to continue the argument anymore.
Everything seems to be pointless for me since that night.
I fail in everything, and I don't think I have the right to defense myself, proving I'm right.
I don't blame you guys, because I know the event is very important to you all.
But you know? The event is important for me as well.
I put my spirit, my heart, my time, just like you all, everything just for the event.

I rather take the blame, but out of 80 people from this event,
No one knows how deep the guiltiness I feel in myself.
Everything that happened is all because I'm not strong enough.
Everyday, I been thinking of things happened during the event.
No one knows I had nightmares.
I dreamed of everyone opposing me in meeting.
Everyday, I think of what I will do in the next OO.
No one knows how badly I want to fix my mistakes
No one knows I miss everything so much.
I miss the moment everyday sitting in Mr Yik's room, listening his words.
I miss the moment everyday taking bread from the shop.
I miss the moment I laughed with everyone.
I miss the moment I accompanied you while you waiting for bus.
I miss the moment watching your silly smile.

Some people said I should move on and forget everything.
But when there's a thing that can make you drop your tears, that will be the most unforgettable thing in your life.
I done too many mistakes in this experience.
It caused me lose a lot of things that I wish to have like other people.
End of rant, end of tears.

Feel so silly

I'm such a silly.
Have the feel that I said something wrong.
Here comes again.
The problem of having a complicating mind.
Sorry if I said something wrong.
Forgive me If I done something wrong.

Pantun-Memantun

Kalau ada jarum yang patah,
Jangan disimpan di dalam peti.
Kalau ada silap sepatah,
Jangan disimpan di dalan hati.

Arak-arak kelapa tuan,
Tidak tuan kelapa bali.
Harap hati kepada puan,
Tidak puan siapa lagi.

Bulan mengambang bulan purnama,
Laut meluas laut biruan.
Nama si jelita fikiran bergema,
Rupa si jelita hati kerinduan.

I'm not drunk and you are reading it right.
I'm just voicing out my thought and I'm doing it right.
Peace.

Dreams

I had a dream last night
I know I'm not a good looking guy.
All I have is my heart and my thoughts.

Life is Too Short

Finally finished my assignment.
Seriously, it's kinda tired when there's some teamwork problem.
Doesn't even feel like speaking of it.

Today outing is kinda dull.
A friend of my friend was murdered at her hometown, Alor Setar.
Kinda big news as well since it's in the news headline.
A little bit of heartache watching my friend being dull and moody.

Pavilion and Times Square are getting ready to celebrate X'mas.
Nice decoration here and there.
Have a sudden thought that maybe I should ask you out to see the beauty of the city.
Life is too short for you to keep wishing for something, but at the end, you done nothing.
Learn how to seek for chances.
Ah.
Gloomy day. Gloomy mood.
Peace out.

You Are

Yeah you are the cure for my stress.
Been stressed out for this few days.
For the first time,
I feel kinda relieved while doing the assignment.
Thanks for your time although you are busy with your stuff as well.
Hope you are sleeping tightly right now.
I need to sleep as well.
Tomorrow gonna make a full stop for the assignment.
Peace out.

Is it me?

Is it me who think too much?
I've been waking up every 1 hour just to check your reply.
I thought of telling you something that been bugging my mind day by day.
I guess I will just keep waiting.

Assignment progress is terrible.
Midterm later.
This is tough for real.
I might just scream out loud any moment.

So Many Things

Gonna be hectic starting from tomorrow
Assignment, midterm, and midterm.
And I failed my programming lab test today.
This is the first time I feel kinda disappointed of myself.
Compare to previous semester,
If I fail any coding test, I wont even give a shit about it.
Maybe because I don't really give my heart for the subject.
But this semester,
I tried my very best to understand every single coding and logic during practical class.
But seems like I need to be more hardworking.
Starting to feel kinda mentally tired.
I need more encouragement and motivation.
But no one gonna know.
Peace out.

Surprise

So, my course mates had thrown a surprised belated birthday celebration for me.
But too bad, I can't enjoy much because of my current health.
All I can do is maintained my smile.
Although there is still some missing pieces in my heart,
I'm still glad for their effort.

I remember there was a moment I asked you,
Why do you love to run?

Right. Peace out.

What If

I die young?
Had this silly conversation with dear Pui Kei today.
It was just a sudden thought.
What's gonna happen if I die young?
Will all the friends gonna come and bid the final farewell?
Are they gonna remember me forever?
Is there anyone gonna feel regret for everything?
Will there be anyone who feel glad that I'm finally gone?
Life can be that short.
Death might be the only way for us to realize who's our love, our friends, and our foes.

No worries.
Nothing happen to me.
Except my asthma are kinda serious and I've been coughing for whole day as well.
And I'm not gonna suicide or something.
This is just some random thought.
Peace out.

Midnight Movie

Yeah. Kinda first time in my life.
Free ticket for 2011 movie at TGV One Shamelin.
Get to watch Rise of The Planet of Apes again.
First impression of the cinema quality is totally fcuked up.
Movie was at 12.05am, but it started after 12.40am due to some technical problem.
I bet most of the customer has come to conclusion that the cinema is gonna be very crap in the future.
But not for me, since the cinema is just started to operate.
All the staff are new as well.
They might need more time to cope up with everything.

I don't feel so good recently.
Asthma again.
Breathing is such a hardcore for me right now.
Peace out.

Action or Imagination?

Life is all about action or imagination.
Some people like to imagine about something.
Imagination will caused you much more confused whether it will become real or not.
Let's have a Vincent's Case as an example. (Yeah it's me)

I was thinking of something this morning.
I'd been imagining what will I do, if it becomes real.
The imagination of case "It's real" was getting way more far and ridiculous, although it's all about what I wish for and it's making me feel very glad of it.
When the case became "What if it will not happen ever?", everything I imagined had become nothing but just an imagination.
And all of sudden, it teared my heart apart.
With all this, I confused of what will and should happen next with the little imagination.
I figured out that I should just take some logical actions.
Why so?
I believe that if there's an action taken, you might at least have a chance to turn your imagination come real and also know the result of your action so that you wont feel confused anymore.

Yeah. I hope you people will understand this post.
Sorry for any bad grammars.
I feel like I been crapping again in this post.
Peace out.

Most Disappointed Birthday Ever?

Yeah.
I guess I just had it today.
Heard a conversation between my parents.
Seems like my birthday is their wedding anniversary as well.
The only hurtful thing is, they remember that but seems to have forgotten me.
No present, no wish, nothing.
If a family doesn't even care about their children's birthday,
I don't see a point why should I care about my birthday from now on.
I'm starting to hate my birthday so much
A real disappointed day in my life.
And I think miracle doesn't always happen though, not even if its your birthday.
Sad.

But still, thanks to those who wished me.
Thanks to chubby Leng for buying me a cake.
Thanks to you as well, for being the last person who wish me through text.
I feel glad. honestly.

Terrible Day

My mood is terribly down today.
My mom lectured me early in the morning about the family issues again.
Seriously, I'm tired of all this ridiculous hatred chaining this whole family.
Why is it everyone in my family are so greedy, selfish and materialistic?
Why their heart are all blind till there's no sense of love in them anymore?
Why they tried to be fake in front of me?

Honestly,
I'm always jealous of people who are close with their family.
I'm jealous of those who got the love from their grandmother, while my grandmother never think of me as her grandson.
I used to love her very much when I was a kid.
But as I grow up, I see her true color.
She never love me like how I loved her.
All the lovely treatment, are all fake from the start till the end.
My mom told me that when I was young, my grandma abandoned me although she knew I'm sick.
My aunts and uncles are all richer than my family. And it makes them showing their materialistic attitude to my family as well.
I'm totally speechless about this family.
I don't know how to love this family anymore.
Tears wont flow for this family because they are not worth for my tears anymore.
2 more days and it will be officially 6 years of my life of not getting any love from the family.
I have been a lonely person for 6 years.
A son who wake up at 6am everyday, went to school early in the morning, back to home at evening or night, and spend most of the time alone in room.
I lived with this kind of life for almost 6 years.
Not even a single person in my life know about my pathetic fate.
It's a shameful burden on my shoulder, something that I don't wish to share out with anyone.
"Sometimes, the person who tries to keep everyone happy, is the most lonely person"
This quote is true.
Life can be so unfair sometimes.
Peace out.

Silly Brain

brain malfunctioning.
over-thinking.
feeling down.
*bangs head*
silly silly silly silly.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Remembered you said you love cupcakes.
So yeah, I brought it for you the other day.
But you didn't come.
Still, kinda lucky though.
Cause the cake started to taste kinda weird.
Natural of cheese.

Feeling down tonight.
Grabbed a cupcake from refrigerator.
















Omg! Today post sounds damn silly and retarded.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*continue banging head"
*self-slap*

Talked to dear sis about my feeling
But seems like she's much more worse than me.
Yeah sis, if you are reading this.
That guy doesn't worth your time.
I don't wanna see you being silly and let yourself getting hurt again.
I shall just slap the shit out of that guy for not appreciating you.
And yes, you still have me to love you.

A boy asked an old man,
"Which one is more important? To love or to be loved?"
And the old man replied,
"Which one is more important for a bird? The left wing or the right wing?"

The old man is wise.
A bird cant live without both sides of the wing.
Just like human.
They can't love without being loved.
They can't be loved without showing their love.
Now, it's pretty clear that I'm still waiting for my other side of wing.
Sad.
Peace out.

You'll Be In My Heart

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always

You know?
There is a quote I read from Facebook.
"I hope someday you'll find all my quotes, all my words, all my songs, and read them all, listen them all. I hope you'll know that they're all about you"

Honestly,
4 more days left.
I know nothing gonna happen on that day.
It will be just a normal day.
I learned that we shouldn't always wish for anything, because the more you wish for it, the higher possibility it wont happen.
But I guess I'm allowing myself to have a small wish just for that day.
I wish a little miracle will appear in my life on that day.
Sigh, feel kinda crap for today post.
Sorry for any inconvenience.
Peace out.

Yeye

Yeye (British slang for yaya)
Been relaxing for this whole Saturday.
Decided to start Behavior Science assignment after dinner.
Guess what,
I managed to puke out 5 pages of words about workers motivation theory.
Feel kinda relieved.
Besides, the assignment only required 10 pages including front cover and etc. :P
Well well, Becca won iPad from lucky draw.
I r kinda jealous.
But I still loves Android :)

First Storm

This week seriously a hectic week.
2 mid term test today.
And finally settled the Web Based assignment.
I need to rest for a while before moving on to the next assignment.
Not feeling well now. Headache, feeling dizzy and wanna puke.
Sucks to be me.

Running is not a very simple stuff to do.
I realized of this after playing that silly but challenging game.
Replacing that dummy with you,
I'm sure you did hell lots of training to achieve what you have now.
Gonna play a few more rounds and off to bed early.
Oh, One Shamelin is finally opened!
Peace.

Tiring

Been rushing a lot of stuff this few days.
Web based assignment and few mid term test in a week.
There's still few assignment waiting for me next week.
Never been this busy before for studies.

Passed by the field today.
Saw you having class over there.
Sorry for watching you.
Glad to see you although you are far away from me.
Everyday, the Skype is there.
But I doesn't have the courage to bug you.
So near, yet so far.
Hope you are doing good.

The Past

Had a bad dream last night.
Was in a room somewhere in college with all the OO committees.
Everyone was there waiting for me to conduct the meeting.
When I started to say something,
Michelle stood up and yelled, "Alright! Meeting dismissed!"
Yeah, all of them leave the room with laughter and chattering sounds were all around the room.
No one look at me.
I saw Denise. She looked at me and said, "Sorry Vincent!" with a big smile on her face.
The whole scene make my heart feel so pain.
The feeling of being opposed by everyone I care.
I sacrificed my entire time for the event and for them.
That's not what I wish to get.
The past really haunting me so much.
I wish to forget bout it, but the more I want to join back the event next year, the more memories I will recall back.
Everything is just like it happened yesterday.
I'm glad it's just a dream.
I'm glad you are not in the dream, laughing at me.

Feeling Down

What am I thinking?
My best buddy finally got a girlfriend.
I should be happy for him, but instead, I feel so down.
I used to give him advises bout girls.
But now, I have no one and he got someone.
At the end of the day, he even asked me to go back 1st while he wanna stay awhile with his girl.
I know I should be mature.
But even mature have the right to feel so down.
Sighhh

Applet applet apllet

Sigh
Applet is very challenging.
Need to understand the logic beneath the logic.
So stress now and tired.
Got back my IC.
Peace out.

Unbelievable

Just a short notice.
I think I lost my IC card.
Just 15 days before my birthday.
Fml.

And I can't believe I spend my time doing Applets and coding since yesterday.
Feel so hardworking lol.
Unbelievable.