I Blames Myself

For everything happened on me, it's all my fault.
I blame it all to myself.
If I'm a good leader, things like that wont happen.
The whole event will end with a happy ending.
I'm such a failure as a Program Master.
No ones know how sad and heartbroken I am during the Actual Night.
Everyone doesn't know I cried the moment I can't take it anymore.
The moment I feel that I'm not needed by them anymore,
They doesn't look at me at all.
They doesn't tell me that I'm no longer needed to control the night.
They did it like,
"You are not trusted anymore. I don't need you for tonight. I don't have time to tell you."
I burst out my tears in front of my adviser and few friends.
They do feel bad for me, but they can't do anything.
At that moment, I have no one to voice out my feelings.
It is the most lonely moment I ever feel.
I don't blame them when the event is much more important that me.

During the post mortem,
They admit their fault for causing some big mistakes.
I don't blame them for the walkie-talkie issue.
I just doesn't like the way they show that I can't control the night and they have to take over me.
I don't like when they doesn't tell me that they have to take over me.
All I want is a proper apologize, and close the whole issue.
But at the end, they blame it back to me.
They blame me for being weak.
I don't wish to continue the argument anymore.
Everything seems to be pointless for me since that night.
I fail in everything, and I don't think I have the right to defense myself, proving I'm right.
I don't blame you guys, because I know the event is very important to you all.
But you know? The event is important for me as well.
I put my spirit, my heart, my time, just like you all, everything just for the event.

I rather take the blame, but out of 80 people from this event,
No one knows how deep the guiltiness I feel in myself.
Everything that happened is all because I'm not strong enough.
Everyday, I been thinking of things happened during the event.
No one knows I had nightmares.
I dreamed of everyone opposing me in meeting.
Everyday, I think of what I will do in the next OO.
No one knows how badly I want to fix my mistakes
No one knows I miss everything so much.
I miss the moment everyday sitting in Mr Yik's room, listening his words.
I miss the moment everyday taking bread from the shop.
I miss the moment I laughed with everyone.
I miss the moment I accompanied you while you waiting for bus.
I miss the moment watching your silly smile.

Some people said I should move on and forget everything.
But when there's a thing that can make you drop your tears, that will be the most unforgettable thing in your life.
I done too many mistakes in this experience.
It caused me lose a lot of things that I wish to have like other people.
End of rant, end of tears.